January 2011
113 posts
he left...
didnt even say “hey, im leaving in the morning, on new years eve”
didnt even care to say a word.
shows how much he cares, right?
didnt even say “bye”.
i shouldnt be sad at all. why care about someone who doesnt care back? someone once told me : “maybe you should’nt care so much about me. i got real problems.”
dont know why id remember that now....
December 2010
106 posts
hiccups...
could very well be a euphenism for my life.
steady… semi-stable (all thanks to my vices)… steady.. HICCCUP (some kind of stuipid shit always happens.) steady.. boring.. HICCUP.
these fucking hiccups wont stop.
real ones, i mean.
like actual hiccups.
but the euphenism, too.
oh, and then this bitch has the AUDACITY to fucking try to talk to me.
really? you think im REALLY...
should i...
just do it?
go into my backyard with a blanket and my old taking back sunday CD and smoke a bowl of that fire shit from allan..
and just sit there? enjoy the day? drift in and out of consciousness?
i cant stand all the hostility in here, all the yelling.
fuck it.
I've had it..
im done with you as of today.
it took me a while, but i finally got to the point where i would love nothing more than to smash your face in..
im not the violent type, i never get angry, i always get so fustrated that i cant be angry that i cry.
not yesterday.
not today.
IM ANGRY AS FUCK.
what need was there to throw me under the bus?
what need was there to blame me for your problems?
every...
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well..
yesterday already faded into today.
i dont really remember what happened yesterday.
i chilled with sammy, thats for sure. did some white and smoked a joint, talked some shit. we concluded: we know all about them bitches, all about them niggas, all about them crack heads and all about that lesbian drama. then mike came home and we smoked a blunt. i felt the tension in the room so i gave sammy a...
crazy.
last night was too many different kinds of ridiculousnes. i chilled at cristys with maria and chris. i think i had a full glass of wine, in addition to two fat joints hand rolled by my sister. after that, we headed to my brothers place where sandra and ari met up with us. they were banged up for sure, but im not sure exactly what they were on. they had been drinking, there was no doubt in that. im...
christmas eve was shitty..
until i did some white to numb my brain… otherwise i would have been crying every 5 secs.
i went to nats christmas dinner. i kept spacing out, only because i smoked. and the only reason i smoked was so i could be hungry when the time came to eat. and it sort of worked, but i wasnt in any mood to eat really. it was so christmasy in there, my mom and grandma couldnt make it because they were...
how exactly
do we measure someones importance?
what they did
what they said
how
why
what if we dont realize importance till its too late?
you feel off
you know the difference
you feel weird
unbalanced?
upset
resentment
regret
anger
then what?
get angry
cry
get scared
be worried
feel incomplete
scream
self medicate
go insane
do something about it…
nothing. nothing at all..
or...
you change for only two reasons:
you learn enough that you want to.
you hurt enough that you have to.
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why...
is everyday feeling like a repetition of yesterday?
i feel like ive been doing the same thing for weeks.
its supposed to be christmas eve, but it feels nothing like it.
it just feels like yesterday, which felt like the day before which felt like the day before that.
fucking mundane monotony.
can today be different for once? or is the world not capable of turning out a different day for me?
...
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what do i want for christmas?
A HICKIE, on my neck.
thats it.
a cute one, though.
not some retarded looking ugly ass thing on my neck.
woke up this morning
confused.
burnt out.
weak.
untill i turned on that silent alarm album…
nevermind, im okay (:
today i decided i cant keep running away from the fact that I’m a girl and i need GIRL friends. i cant be a “boy”. and as of today im no longer trying to pretend i dont have feelings and im not capable of being hurt…. cause i am. and thats okay. IM okay with that… and if you arent… you’ll get there one day… but it wont be because i lead you...
no one is ever gonna mean as much to me as you do.
no one is ever gonna do the things you did
no one is ever gonna make me feel the way you did
no one feels the way you feel.
and the day i honestly believe that, the day i stop looking for someone to fill the void you left, the one i brough upon myself, i’ll be happy with someone else……
I'm an emotional masochist...which is worse than...
too perfect, too soon.
i pull you close, to push you away,
tugging at your heart strings, everyday.
its not that i dont love you, in fact its the opposite,
i love you too much, i cant even stop it.
it feels better, now that youre away.
but i’ll always count the days.
maybe ill see you again, with that smile on your face
or maybe ill see you again, with that same smile erased.
time holds no smile, no love,...
yesterday,
was exactly what i needed. well, i think its exactly what we both needed. some wired shopping with another GIRL who totally gets it. someone who feels underapreciated just like i do. someone who knows people take their good friends for granted and appreciate their asshole friends, more. why? we have no idea…
a continuous cycle of smoking, getting wired, smoking more, laughing way too...
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